How to Practice Nonviolent Communication in Your Relationship

At its core, NVC is based on the idea that all human beings have the capacity for compassion and empathy. It seeks to foster an environment in which people can feel heard, respected, and understood—and in which they can express their needs without fear of judgment or criticism. To practice NVC with your partner, start by using these four steps:

1. Observe the Situation

   The first step is to observe the situation objectively. Ask yourself questions like “What do I see?” “What am I hearing?” “What are my bodily sensations?” This will help you get clear about what is actually happening in the moment so that you can respond from a place of clarity rather than emotion.

2. Identify Your Feelings

   Once you have observed the situation objectively, identify what feelings it has triggered within you. Focus on describing how you feel rather than why you feel a certain way or blaming someone else for those feelings. For example, instead of saying “I feel angry because you didn’t listen to me,” simply say “I feel frustrated.”

3. Identify Your Needs

   The next step is to identify your needs—the underlying cause of your emotions—in order to make them known without placing blame or judgement on anyone else involved in the situation. For example, instead of saying “You never listen!” try saying “I need more attention and understanding from my partner."

4. Make Requests

   Finally, use this opportunity to make requests that will help meet your needs then present them in a positive manner rather than as demands or ultimatums (e.g., "Can we carve out some time for us each week?"). This will help ensure that both parties are heard and respected throughout the conversation while also helping make sure everyone's needs are being met as much as possible.