Most of the time when couples come in for marriage counseling, they are both convinced that it is the other person that needs to be fixed. As a marriage counselor in Orlando, from experience, 99 percent of the time, no specific person needs to be fixed; they are often both to blame. There is this saying that, "Point one finger at me, and three fingers point at you in return." There is also this saying that "The lamp does not illuminate its base." Most of the times that you have blamed your partner for something, you'll realize that you are also to blame as much as they are.
It is human nature to avoid taking responsibility, so we tend to put the responsibility for any situation on the next available person. It is the same in relationships; nobody ever wants to believe they are wrong. The other person is always wrong, and it is not supposed to be so. Why is this so? Because in our bid to preserve relationships with our loved ones, there is the fear that the relationship might crumble and thus, self-protection takes over. Nobody wants to be wrong, and no one wants to take responsibility. In the process of not willing to be the person in the wrong, we subconsciously hope that the other person accepts the blame and takes steps to return things to normalcy. Most people take a lot of drastic steps such as criticizing their partners, attacking them or even stonewalling them. All in a bid to make them feel guilty and sadly, none of these ever work.
This method of dealing with relationship issues could continue for some period and nothing positive comes out of a negative environment. A negative environment is harmful to a relationship or marriage, and this is the point where divorce or separation comes in. As a marriage counselor in Orlando, too many typical cases of the "Fix my partner" situations have been dealt with. During some counseling sessions, I have seen couples who started out with being in love and have vowed to be together through whatever situation, fighting and screaming at each other over who is to blame for what is going on between them.
During that moment, the person that you so much cherish becomes the one who never seems to get it right with you. All hope is not lost though. If there is enough commitment in the relationship and both parties have a clear view of the direction they want the relationship to head, there is a good chance that there would be less blaming in the relationship. Understanding and communication are key in every relationship, and these would help in a lot of ways put an end to the blame game. Of course, it is not easy, and help is required in most cases. The need for human beings to blame someone else is powerful but with a constant seeking of growth and becoming a better human, all of these wrongs can be set right.
Heather Oller is a licensed Orlando therapist at Orlando Thrive Therapy, Coaching & Counseling who specializes in counseling Orlando couples, individuals, and families who are seeking changes in their lives. She has been a mental health professional for over 17 years and is a practicing Orlando counselor that specializes in conflict resolution for couples. You can contact her for an appointment or call 407-592-8997 for more information.