Co-Parenting After Divorce Made Simple
Orlando Counseling Major Sheds Light
It’s theorized that our inner voice, otherwise known as inner critic, develops as young as 12 months old; around the same time a child is first learning to walk and is told “NO” for the first time. The purpose of our inner voice is to act as a sense of right and wrong, and is a process that continues throughout our lifetime. However, our inner voice is often a negative voice and usually chimes to the tune of our parent’s voice. The more a parent acts in a negative manner towards their child, the more negative that child’s inner voice can become.
Parents play an integral part in the development of their child’s inner voice and self worth. Since a child’s survival is 100% dependent on their parent’s care-taking and love, children are innately inclined to please their parents and gain their approval. Everything a parent says or does acts as a message for their child to decode when they are developing their sense of worth and are figuring out who they are. When challenged with negativity and criticism, children have the choice to either listen to it or ignore it. The more we tune in to the negativity that surrounds us, the louder and more severe our inner critic becomes. However, children, more often than not, choose to listen to any negativity coming from their parents because to them they feel that they have to in order to survive. The more a child is treated negatively, the more they adapt and eventually even learn to tune out positive feedback that may come their way.
Positive communication helps co-parents
Keep in mind that positive communication does not necessarily require you to meet face-to-face every time; sometimes a phone call or text message will be sufficient enough.
Something to avoid when communicating with your ex-spouse is making your children the middlemen. Your children are not your personal mail carriers. If you have something you need to say to your ex, then you need to be the one to do it. Asking them to deliver a message or give something to the other is just putting your child in the center of the conflict. Don’t do it. Just as you shouldn’t physically put them in the middle of it all, you should also refrain from doing it mentally. Never vent about your ex to your child. Your children deserve to have a healthy relationship with both parents that is free of any negative influence you may have to offer. As a result of not venting to your children, find some ways to let out any frustrations you may be keeping bottling up inside. Finding things enjoyable that you like to do, like exercising or cooking, will help you with this.
Be the kind of co-parents who work together in the best interest of their children.
Although your children shouldn’t be involved with the divorce directly, and should remain isolated from any conflicts, they will still feel the wrath of the divorce and need help adjusting to the new family dynamic. Although you and your ex may not be a marital team anymore, you are both still a parenting team. Keeping a united front with your children is more important now than ever. Staying consistent with the rules and consequences between both homes is important; this prevents the child from adjusting and readjusting over and over between two completely different punitive environments. Curfews/bedtimes, homework, and forbidden activities, are all lifestyle issues that should remain prevalent between both households. Consistent consequences should also accommodate consistent rules. If your child loses a privilege such as TV time in one household, they lose it in both; same thing goes for rewards. This is another area where positive communication comes in handy. Important decisions should always be discussed and decided by both parents, and discussing punishments and rewards is one of those decisions.
Co-parenting tips after divorce to help kids adjust.
Co-parenting can have it’s challenges for the grown-ups, but the kids are the ones who have to adjust to the most change. Transitioning from household to household can be exhausting and overwhelming at times for the child. Remember that every hello is followed by a goodbye, and it’s the hardest when the goodbye is to a parent.
Making Transitions Easier:
- Give your child an advanced reminder that they will be going to the other’s house by reminding them a couple days ahead of time.
- When transitioning from house to house, you should always drop-off. This prevents you from interrupting something the child and their other parent may be doing, and won’t be viewed as being “taken” away from that moment by the child.
- Keeping a consistent schedule and routine allows the child to adjust more quickly and easily. After a while they will know what to expect and when to expect it—it will become a part of their everyday life.
- To keep packing light and easy, have one of each essential at both homes. Toothbrush, toothpaste, shower necessities, and clothes in both households helps the process go smoother.
- At times, the child may resist or refuse to go with the other parent. This is an indication that the child just needs some space. Give them space, and when the time comes talk with them to see how the problem can be resolved. Remember, this is harder on them than it is on you and how you respond to these changes will impact their ability to adjust negatively or positively.
These are a few tips on making the process easier, but the list changes as your child’s needs change. The key to co-parenting is remembering that above all else, the children’s needs come first. Anytime your emotions get involved regarding actions about your ex, take a breath, and remember who is number one—your child! Just as communication is important between parents, it is also vital between the parent and child. Listen to what your child has to say, especially when they aren’t saying anything. Sometimes silence is the loudest cry.
Divorce and co-parenting require careful navigation
Divorce and co-parenting is just another one of life’s obstacles and, although difficult, it is manageable. 40-50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce, causing the United States to be the 6th highest country of divorce rates. If you find yourself stuck, or having trouble with these new life changes, seeking help from a trained professional can help you or your child adjust to the changes with more confidence and a happier outlook. (Article contributed by Ashley Campo, UCF Counseling and Psychology major)
Divorce and co-parenting is just another one of life’s obstacles and, although difficult, it is manageable. 40-50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce, causing the United States to be the 6th highest country of divorce rates. If you find yourself stuck, or having trouble with these new life changes, seeking help from a trained professional can help you or your child adjust to the changes with more confidence and a happier outlook. (Article contributed by Ashley Campo, UCF Counseling and Psychology major)
